This last Wednesday I was particularly tired during my morning and afternoon classes. In my afternoon class I had Hermano Wolfe and in the middle it he had the other missionaries in my district do some acting out of situations that could happen in the mission field while we are teaching and he had me come with him into another room. He sat me down and asked how I was doing and I said I was fine. But then he stopped to say that he felt that something felt "off" about me today, and I quickly and honestly replied that I was only tired. What I didn't know is that God was giving Hermano Wolfe the ability of discernment which allowed him to see that there really was something wrong with me and even though I didn't know it, this moment was the time for me to get some insight from the Lord. Suddenly, to my confusion, I start tearing up without even knowing why and all these feelings that I had somewhere in the back of my mind came out. I talked with him about my fear of this "scale of righteousness" I had created in my mind. This scale came in the form of a ruler and on the lowest part of the ruler was wickedness, in the middle was mediocrity, and at the greatest part of the ruler was righteousness. The reason for my fear was because when I am wicked, or not doing what the Lord would want me to do, I know exactly what steps to take to get back to mediocrity. However, after I get back to mediocrity I am clueless as how to get to complete righteousness. I feel like a toddler trying to walk to the path of righteousness, and it is a damning feeling to not be progressing in some way. Hermano Wolfe said that he knows exactly how I feel. I then told him that I don't want to teach my investigators with the skill comparable to a newly walking toddler, and I don't want to not be able to bare all the testimonies I have within me because of my imperfect Spanish. I don't want to teach with the skill of a Level 1 missionary, I want to teach at Level 1000. I want to teach like Christ, but I'm not Christ. I then told him that at home I knew exactly how to help all the ones I loved and that I was in some ways considered a "spiritual giant" and that here on my mission I have no idea what to do.
Hermano Wolfe said that I am too dependent upon myself to do all the things I am required to do as a missionary, and that I need to remember that it is Christ that does the teaching. And that Christ loves me and knows my afflictions. He said that he too felt like a "spiritual giant" and that he learned that he, like I, was too dependent on the compliments of man and not God. Hermano Wolfe opened my eyes to a lot of things. I know now that my motives for love need to change, and that I was only loving people because I should, not because I want to see them grow closer to Christ. It is weird to me that you can be selfish about righteous things, but you can.
At the end of our talk Hermano Wolfe asked if I would like a blessing and I quickly replied yes. He blessed me that I would be able to forget thoughts of home and that I may be able to recognize the Lord in all things and depend on Him. He blessed me that I would seek the Lord's praise and not mans. That I will be humble and have True Love for those around me, and for me to know that there are no coincidences.
The power of the priesthood is real.
The natural man cares only about what he wants. If our conversion is in Christ, nothing will be able to shake us to doubt and despair. He turns out when the rest of us would turn in. This is not my mission, it's the Lord's.
I believe in Christ, He is my King. For who's mercy I am undeserving, who's pain I do not know and who's love I can never fully show. He has shattered the chains of hell which bound me, and He did it that I may endure to the end and in that exalting day I will fall to my face and there proclaim, my God How Great Thou Art. But until that day I will stand and submit my will to His, that he may spread His love through me, a vessel, imperfect but perfected through Him and His Atonement. How Great be our God!
We are not called to be missionaries. We are called to be vessels of the Lord's light and love. It is because of that, that He will put us through trials and sufferings that we may be humbled and have our cavities within us be deepened, that we may be able to greater hold His light. This calling is given to all. Forget yourself, for when there are others suffering around you, it mattereth not if you are going through the very gates of hell, we must take care of His sheep. And in the end we will receive our reward.
I am eternally grateful for my Lord and my Shepherd!
Me and Hermano Wolfe
This is Hermano Wolfe with my district.
I was trying to do my dad's velociraptor impersonation.
Not quite as good as my dad's, more like a baby raptor. Ha!